i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
40s are totally the cure
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize
