the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
