Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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