just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
