I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
