I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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