yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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