just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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