i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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