I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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