She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
