I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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