I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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