I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
