splinters make it hard to masturbate
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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