so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
