I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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