Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
