We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
