guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
