Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
