We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
