Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
