i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
