I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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