Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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