The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
