I met the friendliest cop last night
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
