shes about as inviting as chlamydia
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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