You just made me feel so damn special
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
