I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
