The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
