nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
