I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
