She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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