Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
