Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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