I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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