thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
