You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
