so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
