Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
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