Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
