i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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