At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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