now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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