I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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