I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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