i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
