it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
