If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
