I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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