I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
