i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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