I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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