the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
